Parenting for the modern man

Well hello there! Welcome to my wonderful new blog I’ll be updating regularly. I’ll be bringing you lovely insights from my wonderful world as well as interesting articles and links I find along the way, also there may be the odd picture of a cat.

So first things first let’s get acquainted. I’m a father of two living with my better half in the wonderful city of LichfieldImage

(Fuck yeah look at that beautiful cathedral! We don’t care that we have less than 33,000 people we’re still a damn city!)

I recently got my children back after a long, long, long court battle and to say I was pleased would be an understatement. I love them, my other half loves them and we are now one big happy family. Although I am now learning a new meaning to the word “tired” because if I get more than four hours sleep in a night that stops the hallucinations I have come to rely on for company during long walks.

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(Kids are asleep come on Chris slap on Game of Thrones and we’ll chill with a beer, afterwards we’ll slaughter the neighbours and wear their skins)

I worry about being a good father and role model or at least I did until I realised that the only male role model I had growing up was Timmy Mallett and really forcing my children to play a word association game over breakfast while I punished them for incorrect answers or hesitations with a camping mallet was probably not going to do them any good. Now we (because really I don’t even do anything on my own due to me needing an adult for most activities and if I need to use something sharp) just try to make sure we’re having fun but having fun in a way that teaches my kids discipline and maths.

Fitting my career around having my girls back has been an interesting puzzle. I found out the first time I took them to a gig with me that Promoters don’t appreciate children under 8 in bars after 9pm and also my kids heckle better than most hen parties. Just FYI if you’re ever feeling good about yourself get a kid to draw and explain a picture of you.

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(that’s you Daddy with your fat tummy, your fat tummy tummy tum tum, your fatty fatty fat fat tummy tummy tum tum tummy tum, you’re going to have a baby aren’t you Daddy)

Kids can be cruel.

Childcare is expensive plus leaving my kids in the care of someone I don’t know and who has no emotional interest in the well being of my children beyond making sure they’re still breathing so I pay them the full £20 just doesn’t feel right somehow. On top of all of that the girls have been through a lot and they’ve already got enough on their plate without believing Daddy is leaving them with a stranger.

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(Girls this is Denton, he’s spent a lot of time alone with children so I trust him completely. He says not to worry about a police check as a squad car follows him 24/7)

The biggest thing I have noticed is that people who have kids can be idiots. I honestly believe you should have to have a test before you are allowed to breed. There should be a full on theoretical exam with questions such as “should your six year old be drinking red bull?”, “how loud should you scream at your 3 year old in Tesco?” and “How much smoke should you blow directly into your baby’s face?”. This should then be followed by a practical test where a child pours hot coffee directly into your groin while you complete a 3 point turn in a 15 year old Ford Fiesta.

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(I’m sorry Mr Ashworth but that’s two majors and 13 minors, rebook your test and I’ll see you again in 6 weeks)

I think that if you don’t know that Smash is not a good substitute for real potatoes and if you believe that a 4 year old should watch MMA title fights you shouldn’t be allowed to have children. Driving is ten times easier than having kids and you have to spends hundreds of pounds and many hours learning how to do it, the main difference being you won’t accidentally kill your car if you leave it outside overnight.

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