Here I am performing at XS Malarkey in Manchester, an absolutely wonderful club. Manchester is rapidly becoming my favourite city to perform in.
A few years ago I decided to grow some facial hair. Earlier attempts at beard growth had left my face looking like it was covered with some kind of disease/fungus/moss.
(Fuck yeah ladies!)
As I was now older and definitely more mature I thought growing a beard would be easy, a lot of my friends had managed it no problem. It appeared to be a matter of going out and getting drunk then not shaving the next day.
(How much did you drink?!)
After a month of sleepless nights followed by late mornings I had managed to get my beard/moustache to puberty/sex offender length when suddenly I discovered the hidden risks in having facial hair as a man.
(There are no hidden risks for women, all the risks are right there from the beginning)
In school we learn useful things like how to climb a rope using only the power of humiliation or how to work out the surface area of a cube using letters. What you don’t learn are actual life lessons like what happens when nasal hair meets a moustache.
If I’d been told that the most irritating feeling in the world is when hair from one part of your body meets hair from another part of your body I would have laughed but jesus fucking christ if one of your nose hairs touches your moustache it feels like your nose is filled with hornets.
(Big fucking scary hornets that melt your flesh)
Nose hair is one of the many bonuses of being a grown man. It doubles in length over night and whenever it comes into contact with anything it feels like you have a swarm of bees climbing up your nose. The feeling that flying insects are invading your nasal cavity is multiplied infinitely if more than one nose hair is touching something, like say your nearly formed, prepubescent moustache.
God help you if you try to pull out the offending nasal hair because as far as I am aware it’s like giving birth through your nostril.
(I think it’s a boy!)
As you get older this curious octopus of useless hair grows thicker and thicker until you look like you’ve got two hedgehogs trying to mate in your nose. It put me off having facial hair but dammit I was going to have a manly beard, scary nose hornets be damned.
I managed to get to the dashing goatee level you see at the top of this website but the moss/fungal growth theme continued so I decided that looking like I was eating a hamster was going to have do.
(Mmmm hmmm Siberian hamster, delicious)
It’s been years since that decision and after many failed attempts I’ve managed to grow something that looks like a beard. This required a lot of dedication, three weeks of constantly pulling out nose hairs and some creative shaving. Ladies I now have a new appreciation for what you go through in your hair removal routine and if pulling nose hairs out is anything close to a Brazilian wax in terms of pain I say forget it and go for the full French look instead.
(Just clear out any indigenous wildlife/zoologists first, no one needs to find David Bellamy rummaging for new species)
I have to say though the quest for a beard was worth it, no woman has ever said “wow you look more manly without the facial hair” and should my career as a comedian suddenly flop I have a place waiting for me among the Canadian lumberjacks.
- A history of beards in the workplace (bbc.co.uk)
- What Font Is Your Beard? Use This Chart To Find Out (fastcodesign.com)
- Pakistan: Your moustache or your life (telegraph.co.uk)
- Jeremy Paxman said he is ‘astonished’ by the reaction to his facial hair (dailymail.co.uk)