Giving birth with my face

That is what toothache feels like. It feels like my mouth is trying to push the teeth out of my gums through my cheeks using a collection of rusty blades and lemon juice. I now get how giving birth must feel only with emotions and stuff. It’s almost as painful as sitting through a Miley Cyrus performance but with less parental disappointment.

Miley-Cyrus-performance-at-MTV-VMA-2013-2223057 (1)

 

(I didn’t know Fraggle Rock was back on TV!)

I’ve had toothache in the past but I was younger and wealthier, I could afford the emergency private procedure it required now I’m considering tying the tooth to a train and getting rid of it Acme style. It’s not even really the pain that’s the problem it’s the sleep loss.

As a parent and standup comedian I already have quite a strained relationship with sleep. When I’m working I get in at 11pm – 12am then the girls will get me up around 6/7am, after this happened a couple of times it became my natural rhythm so I now get a maximum of 5/6 hours sleep a night and lie ins are something I remember from university. Toothache has taken that sleep from a few hours of undisturbed sleep to 2 hours of tossing and turning followed by me getting up for painkillers then back to bed for a further 90 minutes of scary pain medicine induced nightmares.

Hallucinations

 

(Ah good the moss faced knife salesman is back)

Functioning after extended periods of sleep deprivation is great fun for all involved.  Lucy is enjoying hearing me say the same things over and over again, she loves being told the same stories four times in one day oh how we laugh and laugh and laugh. Well at least I think we do, it’s all a bit fuzzy.

I’ve been taking painkillers that have a warning on them saying that if I take them for more than 3 days in a row they become addictive. I’ve been taking them for about two weeks now and I can safely say that I would happily stop taking painkillers just so I could get through a whole night without waking up, tripping over my clothes, stumbling to the kitchen, being blinded by the light as I fumble for a clean glass, spray water over my pyjamas, choke on the tablets as I breathe in at the same time as swallowing then try and get back to bed without waking Lucy or the girls. I really believe if you’re trying to give up something put it on the other side of a dark room and spread Lego across the floor, see how much you want it after you’ve pulled a yellow six brick out of your heel.

lego-kids-2

 

(The first few weeks were tough but now these people are completely off the Methadone)

My dentist’s appointment is on the 20th so I’ve got another ten days of achingly good face fun. Let’s see how long it takes before I invent a friend and start fighting with them underneath sleezy bars.

On a related side note when you google image search Edward Norton the first result is a picture of Brad Pitt, now who’s the imaginary friend Ed? Well played Google, well played.

edward norton

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