It’s come to my attention that there’s a lot of people talking about racism, some people seem to be all for it and some people seem to be completely against it. Personally I don’t have time for racism. It appears to take a lot of effort to maintain the kind of bitterness and hatred associated with racism, I for one can’t take time out from my busy work/family life schedule in order to build a stereotype then remember to inflict it on strangers.

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(Magicians are so lazy! Coming over here stealing our rabbits! Am I doing it right?)

The one thing I’ve noticed is that racists are always homophobic, that’s not to say that gay people can’t be racist it’s just you don’t get too many militant xenophobic homosexuals telling people to go back to where they’ve come from because everyone should be like them.

I’ve put a lot of thought into it and from what I can tell there can be only one explanation. Racists think that nationality is a sexually transmitted disease and Gay is a place.

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(Ruled by a just and fabulous Queen)

I know it already sounds crazy but picture this. A future racist, aged 6, stands in a park holding his father’s hand (no homo bro). He sees two grown men dressed incredibly well and holding hands, he turns to his father and says “Daddy why are those men holding hands?” and his Dad (who learned from his father before him) has no way to explain it other than “Those men are gay son, that’s what gay men do”. So now the tiny racist thinks that there’s a place where gay people come from because in his limited life he doesn’t have the capacity to comprehend sexuality but has been taught that Chinese people come from China.

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(HAIL GAYDONIA!)

As his understanding develops the little racist (sounds like a Christmas film starring Harry Connick Jr) now has a subconscious belief that gay people have their own country. He’s told by his highly conservative father that he needs to stay away from gay people lest he end up like them *GASP*, you can catch gay?! “But how do you catch it?” he ponders late at night staring up at the pictures of Bon Jovi on his wall “and if you can catch gay what else can you catch?” suddenly he realises why his Dad hates the man who runs the newsagents so much. You can catch any nationality. French people are only French because they keep fucking French people! A quickie with the Au Pair could lead to you losing your British passport! His Dad doesn’t have an irrational fear of people with a different skin colour, he’s worried he’ll accidentally catch Bengali after using a public toilet! He won’t understand the language anymore! He’ll be deported to India away from his friends and family! No wonder he’s so scared.

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(HELP ME! I USED TO BE JAMAICAN!)

He shares his Dad’s concern, what if he marries a woman who’s half gay on her mother’s side? He’ll wake up with a better haircut and an interest in paisley stripes! He’ll never return to his family home in West Sussex, he’ll have to say goodbye to his childhood friend who won’t understand him anymore. Isolated and scared he’ll end his days in a foreign country with no knowledge of local customs. I get it now! They’re not racist and homophobic, they just want to protect their countrymen from the horrors their uncle Terry faced after he moved in with his best friend Gregory.

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(At least he had company AND property prices are much lower in Gaystovia)

That is the only possible way these things can be connected. Stay safe people and remember nationality is a choice.

 

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2 thoughts on “Racism (a hypothesis)

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