It’s been a while

It’s been a while, this seems to be how I always start these posts, It’s been a while and I’m sorry that it’s been so long. But as it’s Christmas, and like the crazy uncle who always smells of whiskey and stuffs fivers into your hands saying “don’t tell your mum”, I thought I’d show up again. What a year. What a goddam crazy year for me. At the end of this year I’m 35% less of the person I was at the beginning. I’ve lost 9 stone in total (how I did it is here), been signed to an agency, been a UK and International finalist in comedy awards I was nomiated for, gone viral a bunch and learned that Quorn is ground up mushroom. What a ride. I mean mushroom is pretty meaty on it’s own, why grind it up? Just eat mushrooms, fry them with butter or coconut oil, add garlic, delicious. I keep promising to update this blog more regularly but I’m never really sure what you want to read, there’s nearly 10,000 of you so it’s hard to please all of you. I’ve come to the conclusion that instead of being weird and picky about it I’m just going to post everything. Stories, pictures, videos, dates of stuff coming up, everything. Then you can decide. If at the end of next year there’s less of you than now maybe we’ll change it but really I’m sure there’s going to be more. I’ve been doing a joke advent calendar for the whole of December. Some of you will have seen these before in my other social media, some will have seen them when they went viral but I’m sticking all of them up here now so you’ve all definitely seen them straight from source. Enjoy

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You blew it up 

This is all I’ve got America. You really fucked up this time but at least we know why no time travellers go back to kill Hitler now it’s because they waste all their time travelling crystals trying to go back and kill Trump only to fail as they’re bombarded by bullshit. 2016 what’s next? Will Mugabe become Secretary-General of the UN? Kim Jung Un gets nominated for a Nobel (doesn’t matter what in he’s already won them all according to his country’s press)? 

What you did just there America is you legitimised every racist and every sex offender, every entitled white male who knew he was wrong about his misogyny has now been told he can touch whoever he likes wherever he likes, it’s just locker room talk after all and boys will be boys, also any LGBTQ or anyone who isn’t white isn’t welcome in America. America the land of the free white people, because everyone else is a freak or a criminal.

The only good thing about this is that England isn’t the World’s disappointing middle child anymore, we can go back to safely calling Americans idiots again without a hint of irony even though we believed a man who looks like a toad and uses buses as post it notes. 

The Trump/Clinton paradox

I’ve wanted to write this blog for a couple of days but I’ve been sick, like really really sick. When I say sick I mean from both ends while screaming sick, both ends while screaming and drafting my will sick. It’s been horrendous, graphic and emotionally haunting for all of my family and friends that had to use the bathroom after me. I thought it was a stomach virus but turns out it was an allergic reaction, I’m bullshit intolerant and there has been a lot of bullshit this year.

First David Bowie, Alan Rickman and Victoria Wood died. Bullshit.

Then we had Brexit where the main politicians behind it lied about what it would do for us as a country then quit the moment they won because they never expected to win. They even had the gaul to claim they’d never lied about any of it even though there were pictures of them in front of buses with the lies printed on them. Recently half of them have said we shouldn’t even have had Brexit. So much bullshit.

And now we have the US election where the choices are between a candidate who is qualified but has shown a tendency for warmongering and the host of a reality TV show who’s biggest quote of his entire campaign is “grab them by the pussy” which sounds like the quote from a made up reality TV show on another TV show mocking reality TV shows. Ultimate bullshit!

No wonder I’ve been so sick. I checked the label for 2016 and it doesn’t even mention bullshit on the packaging, not even a “this has been prepared in an area where we also manufacture bullshit”. No wonder I was so ill.

Look if you’re American vote for Hillary, even if you’re doing it as a joke because what won’t be funny is if Trump wins by one vote and you have to turn to your friends and say “I was only kidding” just as the nukes start to burn the flesh from your bones. I get that Hillary has had some problems but really her biggest problem has been “doing things presidents have to do” rather than “avoiding cases of rape against you from minors”. She’s qualified to do the job.

I get it Trump is funny and he’s a comedian’s wet dream. The guy writes other people’s jokes about him, what isn’t to love? I mean other than the racism, classism, fascism, misogeny, sexism and a total lack of regard for reality what’s not to love?

If you were hiring a new IT manager for your company and the choices were between a boring IT grad who’d worked in a couple of other companies and had had to purge an email server once to keep her company safe and a live tiger you’d take the IT grad. Sure the tiger would be exciting for a day or two but soon you’d have a problem and someone would have to go in there to ask for help and then the company is fucked. If this was a small company no one would care but this company is the World’s biggest company who just so happens to have several buttons that make a lot of other companies explode and turn the populace into mutants. I’m not saying that’s what the tiger would want to do but while it’s tearing apart it’s own IT staff and hunting anything with a vagina it might accidentally hit one of those buttons.

So I’m saying vote Hillary because otherwise you’re the one that has to go and ask the tiger to fix your email.