The Trump/Clinton paradox

I’ve wanted to write this blog for a couple of days but I’ve been sick, like really really sick. When I say sick I mean from both ends while screaming sick, both ends while screaming and drafting my will sick. It’s been horrendous, graphic and emotionally haunting for all of my family and friends that had to use the bathroom after me. I thought it was a stomach virus but turns out it was an allergic reaction, I’m bullshit intolerant and there has been a lot of bullshit this year.

First David Bowie, Alan Rickman and Victoria Wood died. Bullshit.

Then we had Brexit where the main politicians behind it lied about what it would do for us as a country then quit the moment they won because they never expected to win. They even had the gaul to claim they’d never lied about any of it even though there were pictures of them in front of buses with the lies printed on them. Recently half of them have said we shouldn’t even have had Brexit. So much bullshit.

And now we have the US election where the choices are between a candidate who is qualified but has shown a tendency for warmongering and the host of a reality TV show who’s biggest quote of his entire campaign is “grab them by the pussy” which sounds like the quote from a made up reality TV show on another TV show mocking reality TV shows. Ultimate bullshit!

No wonder I’ve been so sick. I checked the label for 2016 and it doesn’t even mention bullshit on the packaging, not even a “this has been prepared in an area where we also manufacture bullshit”. No wonder I was so ill.

Look if you’re American vote for Hillary, even if you’re doing it as a joke because what won’t be funny is if Trump wins by one vote and you have to turn to your friends and say “I was only kidding” just as the nukes start to burn the flesh from your bones. I get that Hillary has had some problems but really her biggest problem has been “doing things presidents have to do” rather than “avoiding cases of rape against you from minors”. She’s qualified to do the job.

I get it Trump is funny and he’s a comedian’s wet dream. The guy writes other people’s jokes about him, what isn’t to love? I mean other than the racism, classism, fascism, misogeny, sexism and a total lack of regard for reality what’s not to love?

If you were hiring a new IT manager for your company and the choices were between a boring IT grad who’d worked in a couple of other companies and had had to purge an email server once to keep her company safe and a live tiger you’d take the IT grad. Sure the tiger would be exciting for a day or two but soon you’d have a problem and someone would have to go in there to ask for help and then the company is fucked. If this was a small company no one would care but this company is the World’s biggest company who just so happens to have several buttons that make a lot of other companies explode and turn the populace into mutants. I’m not saying that’s what the tiger would want to do but while it’s tearing apart it’s own IT staff and hunting anything with a vagina it might accidentally hit one of those buttons.

So I’m saying vote Hillary because otherwise you’re the one that has to go and ask the tiger to fix your email.

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Motivating myself

I have a million things to do today. That’s hyperbole, I have about 16 things to do today but really if I really thought about it I could make it up to a million. I mean if I really thought about it I could break down any of the things I have to do into composite parts and eventually get to a million things to do today but with a greater sense of achievement as I accomplished minuscule goals like “put foot into sock” score “put foot into shoe” boom “tie up shoe” fuck I am rocking my to do list today.

So I have 16 things to do today and I know I have to do them before the kids get home, as soon as our girls are home I won’t get anything done and I love it. I’m not going to pretend that I hate them being here because it stops me from doing the things I need to I LOVE HAVING AN EXCUSE. “Chris why didn’t you do that admin?” ah man I had to play Boggle with my kids. Bummer I know I would have loved to have finished that admin, you know there’s nothing I love more than endless excel spreadsheets but if I don’t play boardgames with my kids then they might grow up to be serial killers and that would just be irresponsible, do you want more serial killers? No? I thought not.

I am the king of procrastination. Even now I’m sat here writing this when I should be writing material for shows.

Next week we’ve got three big shows see here so I’m doing a bunch of PR and rejigging material for them but also I’ll be restarting my Let’s Save the World podcast and booking the acts for our next year of shows. I want to get as many people involved with all of that as possible so sign up for updates on the front page (if you haven’t already) to get updates about all the amazing things coming up

Being too social

First off sorry about the lack of blogging, there are now over 5000 (closer to 10,000 including all the other places this goes) of you and it’s ridiculous for me to leave it months without updating. I will be rectifying that. Thank you to everyone that’s hung on though, I’ll make sure it’s worth it.

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(worth it, right?)

Secondly a confession. I am a social media whore. I have a hole inside me that can only be filled by sharing my whole world with friends, family and complete strangers. What this has done is severely reduced my productivity (NO WAY! SPENDING TIME NOT WORKING IS REDUCING YOUR PRODUCTIVITY!? WHAT IN THE HELL?!). I’m not the only one, people the world over waste time on the countless forms of social media just clicking through the same 3 pages hoping for notifications to pop up of people interacting with their cat photos and undereducated semi political messages

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(#jesuislettuce)

There have been countless studies on it, many of them funded by the platforms themselves in order to find out how to keep people on those very sites, and they all come to the same conclusion: we are lonely.

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(nothing good happened in this picture, everything about this photo tells me the story ends with a phonecall and crying)

We want to reach out and find people who like the same things as us, people who can define us as individuals as well as providing us with the comfort of a herd. It’s hard to know who you really are in a vacuum (MAINLY DUE TO THE NOISE, AM I RIGHT?! *HIGH FIVES*) so to have a large group of people constantly able to tell you that yes you are right dirty foreigners should go home to their own country or no you shouldn’t have to work for a living, everything should be right there on a plate for you means that you can say “That’s who I am! I am a lazy, entitled, racist!” it’s not great but at least you know. No one likes uncertainty

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(well some people do, some people use it to cement their position but then I’m using the term people loosely)

and that’s the main problem with social media, it can be a great tool for communication and spreading the word or getting behind a cause but mostly it’s a catalyst for narcissism and rampant paranoia.  Even this post is a massive display of arrogance and self importance, what do you care about a fat guy who’s trying to distance himself from social media? You don’t! Or rather you shouldn’t because really all we’re doing is creating little groups of people all thinking they’re right then being completely surprised that there’s other people with different ideas. We’re isolating ourselves.

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(and we all know how that turns out, Pauly Shore cries himself to sleep every night)

and that isolation is a terrible thing. Just days ago was the 2 year anniversary of Robin Williams suicide, as I’ve said on here before Robin is the reason I do comedy and it hit me hard. Whenever anyone takes their own life it’s a terrible thing, it means that person can see no other future ahead except pain and they don’t want it. I tried it once, spoiler alert: I failed, and only by talking about it did I get over it. Talking is a great tool for getting over depression so here’s a video of me talking about it so other people can feel like it’s ok to talk about it Talking about suicide but with jokes

But it can go the other way, people reach out and no one reaches back or even worse people think it’s ok to abuse other people because it makes them feel better, this in turn isolates the person being bullied further. Again this has become the majority of interaction over and above supportive messages on social media which just goes to prove that if you leave humans with any kind of wonderous new discovery they’ll find a way to be an asshole with it.

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(hey guys I’ve got this thing that makes the food taste better and means we don’t get poisoned by it, it makes it hot, what are you doing guys? GUYS?!)

Really what I’m saying is I’m pulling out of most of social media unless it’s to interact with people who want to come to a show. That does mean I’ll have more time to make shit and update this so hurray to anyone who cares. It’s easy to get lost in the great echo chamber and as Jean-Paul Sartre gets famously misquoted on “Hell is other people”

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(proof)

Brexit and other tasty breakfast treats

Brexit, the stupid name given to a decision we shouldn’t have to make. I know a lot of people will disagree with me and suggest that this is a great example of democracy and to those people I say “WE AS A COUNTRY CAN NOT BE TRUSTED! WE VOTED IN THE TORIES!”. I’m not saying we’re all stupid and don’t know what’s best for us, I’m saying there is solid evidence that we’re stupid and don’t know what’s best for us.

I’ve said this all before on a video so rather than reading words on a page watch and listen to them fall out of my mouth like cake crumbs at an 11 year old’s birthday party I managed to sneak in to:

Essentially I’m saying vote Remain but only because we don’t want to give any more power to people who have proven that the only thing they do with it is make their friends richer and the vulnerable deader.

Also to lighten the mood here’s some jokes I wrote to offer as a sacrifice to you guys for all the posts I haven’t made in the last year, this is being rectified and you can expect to see a regular blog here again.

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(Thanks to Richard Wood for taking those great photos of me at Cardiff Glee)

New year, New me, Nouveau

It’s been ages since I’ve written an actual blog post. I’m putting this down to an incredibly busy schedule combined with crushing laziness. You wouldn’t think the two would go together but as soon as I get in the door my body won’t move off the sofa unless a sugary snack is required or my catheter slips out.

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(You know where this goes)

So like many others I’m making a decision to try and be a bit more active with my blog, I mean there’s quite a lot of you reading this now so it just feels wrong to let you down.

I’ve also realised that with growing frequency I’ve posted slightly depressing updates, this is because I have the brain of a 15 year old Panic at the Disco fan and sometimes feel the need to dye my hair black while crying about an argument I had on an anime fan forum.

Thing is I have nothing to really whine about. I live in a country where a wifi connection is as prevalent as free water, maybe even more so. I don’t have to worry about missiles hitting my school because another country’s leader has mistaken the launch button for the one that orders coffee. I’m not struggling to cross an ocean with my children in my arms hoping that my wife is on one of the other boats that made it this far. I got presents for Christmas rather than another 10 years in prison for a crime I didn’t commit. I’m a pretty lucky dude when you look at it like that.

But really how long will I keep up any New Year’s resolutions I make? I have a distinct hatred of authority so as soon as I tell myself to do anything with any level of assertiveness I instantly rebel against it, leaving myself in a constant Ouroboral state of instruction and resentment.

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(Some days I’m the head, most days I’m the arse)

For example I have promised myself that I will lose a lot more weight this year, I’m getting married and want to look less like a reality makeover show’s “before” picture, so this morning I came downstairs and said loudly to myself “This is the day we start eating properly! NO MORE SWEETS!” then immediately tried to consume an entire Terry’s chocolate orange because who the hell do I think I am? I can’t tell me what to do! I’m not my real father!

So these are not my New Year’s resolutions these are my New year’s suggestions:

  1. Write something consistently, a regular upbeat blog for example
  2. Increase our household income just so we can go to a country that requires us to use passports to enter and me not have to perform at some point on the trip
  3. Fit into my smaller clothes. I lost weight then I ate a whole cake I want to vaguely eat better but only if I feel like it
  4. Be a bit more social. I have become a cave troll. I live in my house, I work in my house, I go out to do shows, I come back to my house. My social circle is my two children and my fiancee and while that is wonderful we’ve all started to talk the same. People meeting us for the first time are greeted like we’re emerging from a field of corn. We’ve started to think the same haircuts would be a great idea.
  5. Learn something. I have a guitar and a harmonica that have seen less physical contact than myself aged 13 clutching a Superman comic and screaming “NO TOUCHING!”

These are simple things and as I refuse to yield to my own influence I will leave these here for me to come across and think “hmmm that might be a good idea, I’ll have a go but if anyone tries to force me I’ll eat this entire packet of hobnobs! SO HELP ME GOD! NO TOUCHING!”

The impossible gig

I gig everywhere and I do mean literally everywhere. In my career I’ve performed in people’s living rooms, in corporate cafeterias, in the street, in football stadiums, in front of a public toilet, everywhere. Soon I’ll be performing in shopping centres as part of a brand campaign.

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(target audience for that event)

However the last couple of weeks have seen me do a few gigs that would be seen as “unplayable” and this has got me to thinking that perhaps there’s no such thing as an unplayable gig just an inexperienced comedian. I’ll list them chronologically also for the people who were involved with these I have to say first that I enjoyed all of them immensely.

1. A festival tent in the middle of nowhere – Imagine “The Hills have Eyes” but with wizard of OZ costumes and professional comedians.

2. Local pub new material night – Man in the audience telling the guys around him “don’t laugh! Don’t laugh!” whenever anyone did a joke, I imagine he hangs around operating theatres and shakes the surgeons from behind whenever they make an important incision. 10 people in the audience so it was like having a glass splinter in your lip balm.

3. Preview of my own hour long show to 6 people in an attic with two groups of drunk strangers interrupting at random intervals then staying for the show – Come on! Could it be tougher?!

4. 500 people at a festival during a hurricane with no seating – anyone need more than that to understand how hard that would be?

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(Imagine this but with a tidal wave and flying cows)

5. First night in a local pub – Group of 20 lads who look like individually they could beat the living shit out of The Rock all trying to see who would come up on stage and take the mic off the comics.

6. Jongleurs – Now there’s a history of Jongleurs’ nights being amazing and there’s a secondary history where some of them are so hard it’s unbelievable, this night I saw a mentalist/comedian get one audience member to guess a word that another audience member was thinking from across a room. The reaction wasn’t what we all expected (the comics were screaming “HOW THE FUCK MAN! HOW THE FUCK?!!”) and instead it got a sedate round of applause when it should have got a standing ovation.

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(“Ah yeah my mate Jeff does that, not impressive. NEXT”)

7. Strange new material night with band playing in next room and people banging on the floor from upstairs with no microphone – I mean it would be difficult to watch a DVD with surround sound in that environment let alone a stranger screaming at you about animal procreational behaviour.

8. Private party in a nightclub – Literally just a microphone in the corner of a room with 10 people crowded round it and 200 other people dancing, shouting, laughing and chatting like you normally do in a nightclub.

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(“So guys! GUYS! LISTEN TO ME PLEASE! THIS IS MY CAREER! I JUST WANT MY KIDS TO BE PROUD OF ME!”)

Every single one of those gigs I did the same thing before I went on. I looked at the gig, I looked at the audience’s reaction to either the acts before me or just the evening in general and I thought “fuck I can’t do this, this is a tough gig” then I thought “who says that? Who says man that’s tough I can’t do it? Other people say that. People who WANT you to fail, people who look at aeroplanes and say man will never fly and you know what FUCK THEM! LET THEM LIVE ON THE FUCKING GROUND”. It sounds all very inspirational speaker but every single one of those gigs was lovely and amazing and I had a lot of fun. I would say I smashed them but I’ve been told that it’s bad form so for now lets just say they went incredibly well.

The only thing that makes a gig impossible, the only thing that makes anything impossible, is you. If you do something half arsed it’s going to fail, if you do something without pouring all of your energy into it then what’s the point? If you realise that in the end it’s just you who’s in control of your success you start to realise that other people’s criticism is just their jealousy and frustration at their inability to affect you. Don’t worry about what other people are doing just focus on being amazing.

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How to be a Human Being (part 2)

Yesterday I started my list of ten things you need to be a better human being (Here is Part 1). Inspired by the constant lists places like Buzzfeed and Elite put out to make sure you fit inside a tiny little box, you know because you’re the same as everyone else right?

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(This is how they make Peter Dinklages)

Let’s continue on with the second half ot things you should know anyway –

6. There are lots of people, all of them are different – Look around you in a public place, every single person is having different thoughts to you. Some of them are worried. They might be worried about money, they might be worried about their family or job, they might be worried that the butt plug they inserted earlier has crept a little too far into their colon. Some of them are happy. They might be happy because they’re thinking about unicorns and cream pies, they might be happy because they just got a promotion or they might be happy because they managed to win that electric steamer on ebay earlier.

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(They may have just freed two thousand slaves)

They might have “Let it go” from Disney’s Frozen stuck in their head and are unable to think of anything else. There is an infinite amount of things that any one person could be thinking about at any point in time and usually we’re thinking about more than one thing. Not a single person will be thinking about exactly the same thing in exactly the same way so why should that be a problem for you. They think God is real, they think Jazz is a legitimate music genre, they think green trousers with a blue jumper is a fine fashion choice, they think Starship Troopers 2 was an excellent movie with a revolutionary form of storytelling involving old scenes used in the previous movie and actors recast in different roles from the first film. Genius. They are different, we are different and you should accept that instead of forcing your ideas onto others. Your ideas are no more legitimate than anyone elses. You wear socks with sandals for christ sake!

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(I don’t get it are your feet cold AND hot? Are these to prove you’re married and can’t make footwear decisions without your significant other around? Is it some kind of secret signal to people like you? Do they stop alien foot diseases? I just…I don’t….)

7. Equal does not mean “the same” – Men and Women are different. I’ve checked. There are things women have that most men don’t and there are things men have that women see too much of. Don’t ever think they’re the same. What they should be is equal. They aren’t, I get that, the world is still dominated by men but day by day we’re getting there. Things are much better now than they were years ago but still not great. Sexual stereotypes are everywhere in every form of media and you shouldn’t be swayed by them, women aren’t weak and men aren’t idiots, women don’t enjoy periods no matter how absorbent their tampon and men aren’t completely clueless when it comes to childcare (if you leave your husband with your baby you will not come home to it dead). HOWEVER there is no problem with holding the door open for anyone, this is called courtesy, or sending poetry to the person you have fallen for, this is called romance, just don’t send it with a picture of your dick or an RSVP containing a cutting of their hair.

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(I WORE YOUR FACE! WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!)

8. Teach your kids how to be people – I don’t care how much you don’t want to grow up if you have kids you need to teach them how to be good people. You can’t expect them to behave themselves when you’re screaming at them across a crowded McDonalds because they’ve spilled their Red Bull and you can’t remember their name correctly so you assign them a number “FUCKING 7 COME HERE! JESUS IF YOU DON’T STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHERS I’LL COME OVER THERE AND SMACK YOU SO HARD YOU’LL BE PISSING BLOOD! DON’T YOU DARE SWEAR AT ME” I know some of you are reading that and thinking “what’s wrong with that? sounds like a typical Sunday for me” and I will be happy if you don’t ever read my blog again. You can’t expect children to behave without setting the example for them. Be their hero, play with them, feed them right, teach them manners and give them security. Let them develop the confidence to become their own person without you beating it into them while swearing and forcing junk food into their screaming mouths.

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(I don’t understand it, I left him for just a minute. He’d already had his pro plus and his bag of sherbert so I don’t know why he was so angry. He’s only 5 why wouldn’t you give him everything he asks for!)

 

I was on a train platform and a guy shouted at his son “IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN I’LL KNIFE YA!”, I checked my surroundings and no this wasn’t the canteen queue in a prison or the pre bout insults of a cutlery duel so I was understandably baffled. Where was this guy going to go with it if his son did indeed do it again? Would he shiv the kid in the stomach right there on the platform? Would he wait until the child slept? If he didn’t follow through with his threat would the kid never believe that anyone would ever follow through with it and gets killed later in life at the hands of an aggressive mugger? Must be a lovely life living under the constant threat of fatal parental violence, bet he grows up stable.

9. Don’t spend money that isn’t yours – Oh you’d like a holiday abroad would you? You’d like to go somewhere nice with sun, sand, low cost alcohol AND take the children? But you just don’t have the money right now do you? No so you know what you can do you can go and get a loan out, pay for the holiday then pay the loan off gradually YAY! Everyone wins! WRONG! What happens if you can’t pay it back suddenly? What happens when you have an extra expenditure every month that you didn’t have before? JUST SAVE THE MONEY, go next year! Jesus why is this a hard concept? You don’t have the money, you don’t spend the money. Debt is the leading reason for people to be stressed, stress is the leading cause of death in first world countries. If when you went to get the loan they showed you a graph of how much more likely you were to die following the first loan repayment you wouldn’t take it out.

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(After 3 holidays to Ibiza John wasn’t looking forward to his 26th birthday party in Fuerteventura)

10. Don’t be a cock – Everyone is going through life and everyone is dealing with their own problems. It’s actually our job to make everyone else’s life easier. Crazy though it may sound people don’t want to help you with your problems then not get that reciprocated when they come to you with theirs. Help people pick up shopping when they drop it, give up your seat to someone who looks like they need it more than you, don’t eat the last piece of cake without asking you selfish prick! THAT WAS MY CAKE!!!

(I know it was you Van Der Beek)

The biggest thing in all of this is that you shouldn’t need a list to tell you to be anything. Just live life the way you want to, treat people the way you would like to be treated and don’t force yourself on anyone, physically, spiritually or mentally.

Purchase out.