International men’s day

And the Internet groans with the same “but when’s international men’s day?” joke, like an overweight cat trying to get to milk, social media is bloated and incapable of moving beyond the living room threshold.

But really why the hell is there an international men’s day? What’s the point of it? What exactly are we celebrating? The fact that one gender has successfully repressed all other genders throughout history? Partition of humanity? The objectification of women and the glorifying of misogyny? Penises ? What does it accomplish?

I mean there’s not even a special card like with mother’s day. I’d love to get an international men’s day card with two dudes on the front cover and one’s saying to the other “smell my fingers”, that’s exactly the world I want my daughters to grow up in. I mean we’re already saying that sexism is fine, see Trump getting elected, misogeny is ok, again Trump, and sexual assault is something you can get away with as long as you’re a man, aka Trump, why not go the whole hog and just force women to wear Slave Leia outfits in every workplace? Anyone who disagrees is a crazy feminazi, it is all just locker room talk after all. Boys will be boys. 

Don’t get me wrong I don’t think there should be any “international … days” men, women, children should be treated equally and fantastically all year round. You shouldn’t need a special day where you’re saying to yourself “well I’ll make a special effort today, I won’t call anyone a slut, it’ll be tough but people will appreciate the effort”. I think mothers and fathers days are bullshit, a day when terrible children can assuage their guilt by buying shitty cards and crap flowers rather than just doing it off their own backs on random days occasionally. 

Can’t we all just be nice to each other every day? Is it so hard to walk through a crowd of people and smile at someone occasionally? Can’t we just remember all the great things all genders have done for this world all the time and not have to be reminded to not act like an asshole? 

I’ve got a suggestion, instead of these bullshit days celebrating one specific gender to remind us that we are all separate and the world is a lonely place how about we replace them with “don’t be a dick year” where we all don’t be dicks, how does that sound?

Except international talk like a Pirate day. That can stay.


The rise of misogyny

Right. I am angry. Furious in fact. So angry that I am struggling to form sentences that don’t end with libasfbjfbjascbjasd as I mash my fists into the keyboard in a hulk like mega rage.

This morning I read this – Click to read article

That’s a man claiming that sexual assault and rape is perfectly acceptable. He’s claiming that and then getting paid to teach men how to do it.


WHAT THE F**K!!!!!! Over 40,000 people signed a petition to keep this man out of Canada and here he is doing it in 40 different countries including Scotland! He even shows people where the best places to sexually assault women are.

He says that if any women go near his event he will take a picture of them and send them out to all of his followers who will take “action”.

Well, my followers, look at this picture.


This is Roosh V, the man behind it. He’s scum. If you see him take appropriate action.

Even if you don’t see him, sign this to keep him out of Scotland KEEP THE FILTH OUT OF SCOTLAND



There’s a monster inside of me

There’s a monster inside of me that very rarely comes out. It’s kept bound and chained deep within my subconscious, only surfacing when particular circumstances occur. I believe everyone has one of these monsters, one they don’t like to admit to and when confronted with will attribute it’s behaviour to tiredness or their long battle against a meow meow addiction.


(am I doing this right?)

I am talking, of course, about the terror that is intolerance. Now I’m not talking about racial intolerance here, I don’t think everyone is naturally racist, there isn’t a little Hitler bubbling underneath that friendly student barista who served you your double cream whipped hazelnut latte this morning. Well there might be but really it’s more likely that they’re massively homophobic.

We’re naturally intolerant as a species, intolerance is part of our massively successful ability to adapt. If we don’t like something we either kill it, pave over the top of it or move away from it claiming we didn’t like the neighbourhood anyway. Even the religions we put in place as a species supposedly giving people a bigger reason beyond survival to bond together create greater intolerances and imaginary boundaries.


(Pictured: Tolerance)

But the intolerances we individually have are always so much smaller than any of these, so inconsequential to daily life that we refuse to acknowledge them to others for fear of seeming petty. As I haven’t cared about any of the laundry I regularly air in public for some time here’s a list of things that currently push me closer to a rage fuelled, spade wielding, massacre:

  • Any land line phone calls – It’s 2014, I shouldn’t have to get up to answer a phone call. If you’re calling my landline you’re either trying to sell me something or chasing a bill I haven’t paid yet. Either way I don’t need you phoning me about it and ruining my Ray Donovan marathon.
  • Anyone unexpectedly knocking on my front door – Similar to the phone call only this time you’ve decided to invade my personal space, I’ll take this as a direct threat to my safety and react accordingly. Expect maniacal verbal abuse and/or violence.
  • Your dog sniffing my crotch – I don’t own a dog. I don’t want a dog. I don’t like strangers smelling my crotch. If a stranger greeted me by sniffing my gonads I’d lash out. I will not be flattered that “he likes me” or “he’s not normally this well behaved around men” in the same way I wouldn’t be flattered by the cashier at Tesco licking my face.


(Hahaha awww I love the taste of Boneo and canine anus)

  • Smoking in the street – It’s been proven that smoking is bad for you in the same way that ingesting printer toner is bad for you. I have chosen not to smoke, so have my kids by default, you walking along with your cloud of cancer fuel isn’t helping us avoid that. In the same way that I don’t take a spray can of bleach and liberally douse everyone I meet with it, I don’t expect you to fill my lungs with your bad decisions. I don’t fill your lungs with my overdue credit card bill.
  • Saying you don’t read books – Don’t embrace your ignorance, millions of people all over the world would love to have the opportunity to read the great works of literature and yet you turn your nose up at them saying you’ll “wait for the movie”! What’s wrong with you?! Not reading books reduces your cultural experience to things other people choose for you, you know who only has things other people choose for them? Babies. Well done you’re successfully at the same intellectual level as someone who is fed from a nipple and shits themselves. Good luck in the boardroom.



(Are those pesky thoughts keeping you awake? Awww here let me take away all those nasty decisions you have to make)

The thing is these intolerances define me as a person. I don’t mind telling you guys that these things all wind me up to monstrous proportions and given a combination of all five would send me spiralling into a typhoon of vitriolic diatribe (keep up non readers) and possible violent explosions.

I’m pretty intolerant of the normal things too. Racism, homophobia, sexism, politicians I’m gluten intolerant about all of them but these are the tiny things that really set my brain on edge. I actively try to prevent the bigger things when I see it (and even through social slacktivism) but the little ones I’m more likely to experience and just mutter a curse under my breath and hope the perpetrator’s hair falls out overnight (90s cult film reference right there).




How to be a human being (part 1)

I’ve seen a lot of these lists about online recently. “How to be a well dressed feminist”, “12 steps to becoming the perfect wife”, “10 tips on how to be a subversive racist comedian” and so on and so forth.


(And now I’m the perfect wife)

I thought I’d add my own list to this cacophony of linear instructions so here’s my top ten tips for just being a decent human being.

1. Don’t touch anyone unless they want you to – hey I get it you’re a hugger. The moment you see someone you want to make physical contact with them in any way you can, the more intimate the better, and then try to sustain that contact until one of you loses control of your bowels. We’ve all been there. Thing is it’s quite discomforting for someone to invade your personal space especially if they’re a stranger and you’re tired from a day at the orphanage, you’re not sure this is the right bus and they go straight for your genitals. It’s tough to process that at 3am in London. Don’t do it. Wait for an indication that they want you to touch them. Maybe hold out your hand and wait for a reciprocal handshake, maybe both arms and wait for the hug itself, maybe you keep your clothes on while you do it and everyone stays happy.

2. Where your genitals go is your business – man do you hate those gays! You can’t pinpoint the exact moment you realized it but boy do you just hate them so much. You hate everything about them, their flamboyant dress sense, their public displays of joyful sexuality, their parades and their sexy bums. You just hate them so much you can’t stop dreaming about them and their hot, tight bums. However you don’t know how much they hate you and they’ve never stopped you and your girlfriend in the street to ask which one of you is the woman. They’ve never beaten you for being a “breeder” and they’ve never disowned your son when you found him and his close friend watching Brokeback Mountain naked so perhaps you should think about your prejudices, take a long look at your behavior then compare it with that of the people you hate. Ever thought that maybe you’re the problem?

3. Taste the rainbow – people come in different colours, like skittles and tree frogs, and none of those colours are better than any of the others. We aren’t Pokemon. Surprisingly racism is still everywhere and people don’t even know they’re doing it. Here’s a test for you: think about what you’re doing and saying, if it’s stereotyping a specific race of people negatively it’s racism. I don’t care if you’re doing it about yourself it’s still racism. If you squint your eyes and say “egg flied lice” when asked what you want from the takeaway you’re a racist, if you do it in front of an audience you’re leading a rally.


(You can buy it on amazon)

4. Educate yourself – if you can’t understand what people are talking about around you and you’ve not left the country I know it’s hard not to fly into an uncontrollable ignorage. They’re talking down to you right? I mean what even is an “austerity measure”!? Is it a new type of ruler? Why did they change the normal maths set?  I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO “PROTRACTOR” YET! And this is actually where most problems stem from. Ignorance. It’s not other people’s job to make sure you understand what they’re saying, they’re not your nanny and it isn’t nap time. Read the paper, watch the news, read books that aren’t about Captain Max Hardon and his adventures killing ragheads. Ignorance is a mental illness and education is the cure.

5. Everyone else is also your concern – it’s been a long week and you just want to get home so you can put the Duran Duran 12″ you found in Camden Market on your phonograph and trim your fashion beard while your soy roasts in the Eco oven, you don’t want to have to step in when a man starts pushing a woman around on the train. It’s not your problem right? Someone else can be the hero and really you’re not feeling very strong right now, you wouldn’t be much help would you? Wrong. Everyone needs to step up and be the hero. If everyone stepped up we wouldn’t have heroes because we wouldn’t have victims. By not helping you’re just as bad as the guy pushing that girl, you may as well wait for him to knock her unconscious so you can go and get a couple of kicks in yourself.

To be continued…….(in Part 2)