the bigger issues

I realised I’ve not being using this blog properly. I post a lot about the world of comedy but not much about real life and the things happening. Well today I decided I’d throw my hat in the ring on a few subjects that have been bothering me this week.

1. The ice bucket challenge


(the lack of nipples is proof of Zuckerburg’s cyborg origins)

If you don’t know what the ice bucket challenge is then you’ve either been walking around with your eyes closed and fingers in your ears or you’ve been living somewhere that hasn’t got internet level technology yet, like Slough. Basically people challenge you to pour a bucket of ice water over your head to raise awareness of a specific charity. The charity it was originally, and predominantly, for was the ALS Foundation however it turns out they’re a bunch of naughty bunnies who spend money raised for them in a way that only 27% actually goes towards the illness itself also it turns out that while a lot of people were getting involved only 53% donated or even knew what cause they were raising awareness for


(but the Albino Lemur Society thank everyone for their donations)

Donating to charity is great, raising awareness of a specific cause is fantastic but do some research into the cause first and focus on what needs your support the most and immediately rather than a cause that’s already quite well funded comparatively

Here’s some charities who could really use your help right now:

Disasters Emergency Committee is conglomeration of several different charities who are helping provide relief from various different disasters (Syria, Gaza and the typhoon in the Philippines to name but three) so these people don’t have the ability to raise funding themselves. Drop over to the website and donate now  

Shelter are trying to help the homeless situation in the UK. They’re a very hands on charity so anything you can do is great. Here’s their website you will cry at some of the stories.





(so here’s a cute kitten)

2. The Great British Bake off “Bingate” dispute


(is surprisingly nothing to do with this guy)

For those of you who don’t turn on televisions the Great British Bake Off gets people to make food for Mel and Sue to eat while being judged by Mrs Beeton’s grandmother and Paul Hollywood’s shirts. It’s basically a baking reality TV show. This week one of the contestants “sabotaged” another contestants Baked Alaska and over 800 people complained about it. Remember this is a TV show where people bake cakes, it isn’t Prime Minister’s question time or Brass Eye. So many people complained about it that Ofcom might get involved. Yes the Ofcom who independently regulate the communications industry. Ofcom who should be doing better things like Sky’s reporting of the MH17 crash for example.


(Pictured: something more important than baking shows)

To everyone that complained. GET A FUCKING LIFE! A 70 YEAR OLD WOMAN HAD TO QUIT A TV SHOW ABOUT BAKING BECAUSE OF IT, it does say that it had nothing to do with it but the coincidence is very unlikely. Come on people Sachsgate only got 2 complaints before it got blown out of all proportion by the Daily Mail!!! Over 800 complaints for Baked Alaska!


(Pictured: The Daily Mail)

3. MPs are defecting to UKIP to help Labour win

Douglas Carswell defects to UKIP

(if you can hear The Muppets’ theme right now you’re not racist)

Turns out that Douglas Carswell’s move to UKIP will actually help Labour win the next election according to David Cameron. His main argument being that UKIP are taking votes away from the Conservatives so by adding to their ranks you’re eroding the popular vote. THAT’S NOT HOW VOTING WORKS DAVID! Shall I tell you why you’re losing votes David? It’s because your policies are outdated, your MPs are out of touch and the only people to benefit from the current economic changes made by the government are those people who are good friends of members of parliament. You know how you get the popular vote? By being POPULAR! You’re even selling off bits of our health service for crying out loud. 

Best Retro PC Games Theme Hospital

(How Cameron thinks the NHS works)

If you’re losing votes to a party whose racist leader thinks that the rest of the world is a desolate post apocalyptic waste land then you’re obviously doing something wrong. Think logically David you’re losing votes to a cross between Mel Gibson and Beaker from the Muppets.


(except Beaker’s more worried about the Communist threat)

And there you have my feelings on the main stories coming out of this week’s newspaper. I have specifically left out the date rape drug detecting nail polish as a lot of people have made me sad when I’ve tried to talk about it and realistically they’re never going to make a shade that matches my skin tone. 


Sparkly new video

Last night I had the pleasure of performing at Ben Van Der Velde’s fantastic show Good Ship Comedy and because I’ve been doing some different, newer, material recently I filmed it.

I have to say I did use my phone to film it so don’t expect Michael Bay lens flare but I hope you enjoy it!




The impossible gig

I gig everywhere and I do mean literally everywhere. In my career I’ve performed in people’s living rooms, in corporate cafeterias, in the street, in football stadiums, in front of a public toilet, everywhere. Soon I’ll be performing in shopping centres as part of a brand campaign.


(target audience for that event)

However the last couple of weeks have seen me do a few gigs that would be seen as “unplayable” and this has got me to thinking that perhaps there’s no such thing as an unplayable gig just an inexperienced comedian. I’ll list them chronologically also for the people who were involved with these I have to say first that I enjoyed all of them immensely.

1. A festival tent in the middle of nowhere – Imagine “The Hills have Eyes” but with wizard of OZ costumes and professional comedians.

2. Local pub new material night – Man in the audience telling the guys around him “don’t laugh! Don’t laugh!” whenever anyone did a joke, I imagine he hangs around operating theatres and shakes the surgeons from behind whenever they make an important incision. 10 people in the audience so it was like having a glass splinter in your lip balm.

3. Preview of my own hour long show to 6 people in an attic with two groups of drunk strangers interrupting at random intervals then staying for the show – Come on! Could it be tougher?!

4. 500 people at a festival during a hurricane with no seating – anyone need more than that to understand how hard that would be?


(Imagine this but with a tidal wave and flying cows)

5. First night in a local pub – Group of 20 lads who look like individually they could beat the living shit out of The Rock all trying to see who would come up on stage and take the mic off the comics.

6. Jongleurs – Now there’s a history of Jongleurs’ nights being amazing and there’s a secondary history where some of them are so hard it’s unbelievable, this night I saw a mentalist/comedian get one audience member to guess a word that another audience member was thinking from across a room. The reaction wasn’t what we all expected (the comics were screaming “HOW THE FUCK MAN! HOW THE FUCK?!!”) and instead it got a sedate round of applause when it should have got a standing ovation.


(“Ah yeah my mate Jeff does that, not impressive. NEXT”)

7. Strange new material night with band playing in next room and people banging on the floor from upstairs with no microphone – I mean it would be difficult to watch a DVD with surround sound in that environment let alone a stranger screaming at you about animal procreational behaviour.

8. Private party in a nightclub – Literally just a microphone in the corner of a room with 10 people crowded round it and 200 other people dancing, shouting, laughing and chatting like you normally do in a nightclub.



Every single one of those gigs I did the same thing before I went on. I looked at the gig, I looked at the audience’s reaction to either the acts before me or just the evening in general and I thought “fuck I can’t do this, this is a tough gig” then I thought “who says that? Who says man that’s tough I can’t do it? Other people say that. People who WANT you to fail, people who look at aeroplanes and say man will never fly and you know what FUCK THEM! LET THEM LIVE ON THE FUCKING GROUND”. It sounds all very inspirational speaker but every single one of those gigs was lovely and amazing and I had a lot of fun. I would say I smashed them but I’ve been told that it’s bad form so for now lets just say they went incredibly well.

The only thing that makes a gig impossible, the only thing that makes anything impossible, is you. If you do something half arsed it’s going to fail, if you do something without pouring all of your energy into it then what’s the point? If you realise that in the end it’s just you who’s in control of your success you start to realise that other people’s criticism is just their jealousy and frustration at their inability to affect you. Don’t worry about what other people are doing just focus on being amazing.