TOUR DATES AND TICKET LINKS

SWORD FIGHTS! GOBLIN SLAYING! TAVERN SONGS! A JOKE ABOUT OPTIMUS PRIME! It’s an incredible full blooded geek experience fueled by health potions and niche nerd culture references!

The tour has already sold out in Manchester and Stony Stratford but don’t despair! You can catch me at one of the other 5 dates over December! Tickets are £10 and you can find the link by going to http://www.ticketsource.co.uk/comedy and choosing the town and date (apologies for it not being an automated link but wordpress is causing an error for those so you’ll have to copy and paste)

DECEMBER TOUR!

TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE!

In December Ignacio Lopez and myself will be performing a DOUBLE FEATURE SHOWCASE across the country. Ignacio will be presenting his Festive Comedy Fiesta and I will, obviously, be performing 20 Sided Dice. It’s going to be hilarious, high energy and bloody fun. I’m even getting t-shirts made for people to buy if they want to. Tickets are now on sale in Manchester, Stony Stratford (Milton Keynes), Nottingham, Beeston, Chesterfield, Newport and Swansea. What an amazing Christmas present for yourself! They’re already selling so grab some now:

https://www.ticketsource.co.uk/comedy

For Stony Stratford you have to use this link – BUY TICKETS HERE

Motivating myself

I have a million things to do today. That’s hyperbole, I have about 16 things to do today but really if I really thought about it I could make it up to a million. I mean if I really thought about it I could break down any of the things I have to do into composite parts and eventually get to a million things to do today but with a greater sense of achievement as I accomplished minuscule goals like “put foot into sock” score “put foot into shoe” boom “tie up shoe” fuck I am rocking my to do list today.

So I have 16 things to do today and I know I have to do them before the kids get home, as soon as our girls are home I won’t get anything done and I love it. I’m not going to pretend that I hate them being here because it stops me from doing the things I need to I LOVE HAVING AN EXCUSE. “Chris why didn’t you do that admin?” ah man I had to play Boggle with my kids. Bummer I know I would have loved to have finished that admin, you know there’s nothing I love more than endless excel spreadsheets but if I don’t play boardgames with my kids then they might grow up to be serial killers and that would just be irresponsible, do you want more serial killers? No? I thought not.

I am the king of procrastination. Even now I’m sat here writing this when I should be writing material for shows.

Next week we’ve got three big shows see here so I’m doing a bunch of PR and rejigging material for them but also I’ll be restarting my Let’s Save the World podcast and booking the acts for our next year of shows. I want to get as many people involved with all of that as possible so sign up for updates on the front page (if you haven’t already) to get updates about all the amazing things coming up

The impossible gig

I gig everywhere and I do mean literally everywhere. In my career I’ve performed in people’s living rooms, in corporate cafeterias, in the street, in football stadiums, in front of a public toilet, everywhere. Soon I’ll be performing in shopping centres as part of a brand campaign.

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(target audience for that event)

However the last couple of weeks have seen me do a few gigs that would be seen as “unplayable” and this has got me to thinking that perhaps there’s no such thing as an unplayable gig just an inexperienced comedian. I’ll list them chronologically also for the people who were involved with these I have to say first that I enjoyed all of them immensely.

1. A festival tent in the middle of nowhere – Imagine “The Hills have Eyes” but with wizard of OZ costumes and professional comedians.

2. Local pub new material night – Man in the audience telling the guys around him “don’t laugh! Don’t laugh!” whenever anyone did a joke, I imagine he hangs around operating theatres and shakes the surgeons from behind whenever they make an important incision. 10 people in the audience so it was like having a glass splinter in your lip balm.

3. Preview of my own hour long show to 6 people in an attic with two groups of drunk strangers interrupting at random intervals then staying for the show – Come on! Could it be tougher?!

4. 500 people at a festival during a hurricane with no seating – anyone need more than that to understand how hard that would be?

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(Imagine this but with a tidal wave and flying cows)

5. First night in a local pub – Group of 20 lads who look like individually they could beat the living shit out of The Rock all trying to see who would come up on stage and take the mic off the comics.

6. Jongleurs – Now there’s a history of Jongleurs’ nights being amazing and there’s a secondary history where some of them are so hard it’s unbelievable, this night I saw a mentalist/comedian get one audience member to guess a word that another audience member was thinking from across a room. The reaction wasn’t what we all expected (the comics were screaming “HOW THE FUCK MAN! HOW THE FUCK?!!”) and instead it got a sedate round of applause when it should have got a standing ovation.

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(“Ah yeah my mate Jeff does that, not impressive. NEXT”)

7. Strange new material night with band playing in next room and people banging on the floor from upstairs with no microphone – I mean it would be difficult to watch a DVD with surround sound in that environment let alone a stranger screaming at you about animal procreational behaviour.

8. Private party in a nightclub – Literally just a microphone in the corner of a room with 10 people crowded round it and 200 other people dancing, shouting, laughing and chatting like you normally do in a nightclub.

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(“So guys! GUYS! LISTEN TO ME PLEASE! THIS IS MY CAREER! I JUST WANT MY KIDS TO BE PROUD OF ME!”)

Every single one of those gigs I did the same thing before I went on. I looked at the gig, I looked at the audience’s reaction to either the acts before me or just the evening in general and I thought “fuck I can’t do this, this is a tough gig” then I thought “who says that? Who says man that’s tough I can’t do it? Other people say that. People who WANT you to fail, people who look at aeroplanes and say man will never fly and you know what FUCK THEM! LET THEM LIVE ON THE FUCKING GROUND”. It sounds all very inspirational speaker but every single one of those gigs was lovely and amazing and I had a lot of fun. I would say I smashed them but I’ve been told that it’s bad form so for now lets just say they went incredibly well.

The only thing that makes a gig impossible, the only thing that makes anything impossible, is you. If you do something half arsed it’s going to fail, if you do something without pouring all of your energy into it then what’s the point? If you realise that in the end it’s just you who’s in control of your success you start to realise that other people’s criticism is just their jealousy and frustration at their inability to affect you. Don’t worry about what other people are doing just focus on being amazing.

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World Record Holder

As of 9.21pm today I became a world record holding comedian.

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Over 64 other comedians took part and it was all organised by the wonderful Joe Wells. I was there 17 hours in total (4 of which were spent asleep) and performed twice, a full hour show and a 30 min slot as part of a “best of” showcase. Joe has been there the whole time catching sleep where he can and organising everything to the best of his abilities. It’s an incredible testament to his sheer willpower that all of us were part of such an amazing event. In life you occasionally get the opportunity to be part of something truly incredible, this was one of those things.

Personally I’m posting this for posterity. I’m pretty proud of my contribution.

Being more social

I have a social media addiction, something I share with 90% of the civilised world. I’m connected to social media through all aspects of my life.

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(well not all aspects)

It’s been debated many many times and the effects of it researched by genuine scientists (not the crazy ones with a lab full of Monkeylizards and Bananacrabs). The research goes from the extreme to the obvious as I think we can all agree that the one thing we all like talking about is ourselves.

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(that and cats in bread, apparently)

It’s ironic that I’m talking about this on here as this is essentially one big ego massage but I’ve always struggled with how much I should talk about myself in social situations. As comedians we are expected to promote ourselves and tell everyone how great we’re doing, can’t be self deprecating and modest if you’re trying to sell out a 2000 seat theatre “oh yes I’m alright, my mum says I’m funny. You should come and see my show if you like jokes and have the time but I really don’t want to put you out, if you’ve got something better to do I’d do that” if the tagline on the poster reads “He’s ok but only if you say so” you’re unlikely to buy tickets to that show. However this bleeds over into my normal life.

Here’s an example. Recently we had our neighbours over for drinks, it was Christmas and we hadn’t done it since we moved in, look at us being adults, the wine was flowing and we were enjoying ourselves. They have recently got engaged and soon after found out they were expecting their first child, this is amazing and enjoyable news however I would say that considering there were 4 people in that conversation all talking about different things and some huge news I took up 75% of the conversation space with inane stuff about me. I talked about gigs I’d done, stuff coming up in the new year, how I started out in comedy, my haircut, pictures I’d had done, thinking I could beatbox, this blog.

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(and my ever growing collection of stock photos)

Thing is I don’t even realise I’m doing it. It’s your job as a comedian to fill dead air and get a reaction, you don’t want big gaps in the conversation because that’s where heckles and sadness live, but when you’re not on stage how do you hold a normal discussion without trying to slip in a punchline or tell people how fantastically you’re doing? There’s actually research to show that talking about yourself has the same effect on your brain as food, money and sex  so I have no chance whatsoever because I love sex, food and money more than I like being alive.

Comedy is a harsh mistress, it sucks you in and takes away everything from you that isn’t related to itself so it gets tough to have hobbies and interests aside from being a comedian. I have always been a massive geek, I’m overweight and my mum made me take mensa tests everyday when I was growing up I stood no chance, and my interests tend to centre around dragons and video games. Will I be talking about this to other comedians at shows? NO! Will I be mentioning that I like painting tiny models in my set on stage? Double NO! Will there ever be a successful comedian who does a lovely set on the advantages of old school Mario games against the newer Mario party games? HELL FUCKING NO!

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(although there will be studies into frequency of interaction with Super Mario against the chance of meeting real life sexual partners)

I’d abandoned all my hobbies and interests outside of the comedy world up until the beginning of this year, there comes a point where you feel like all you are is a set list of jokes and a ten minute promotional video, so my big new year’s resolution was to get back into the things I enjoy. I’ve already caught up with Game of Thrones and got myself some new paint brushes so I’m well on my way into the basement of geekdom. The way I see it is that as long as I have hobbies I can maintain a conversational balance between what’s happening at work (comedy) and what I’ve been doing in my spare time (kids, holidays and dragons) that way there’s less chance of dominating a conversation. People don’t like talking about work much, when someone tells me they’re an accountant I don’t ask them about how they’ve correlated recent tax figures or how they calculated their profit and loss sheet.

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(sorry nodded off for a second there, are we back to me yet?)

So I can only imagine how boring it is when I’m talking about how far I’ve driven in the last week (678 miles) or which towns I’ve performed in (London, London, London), to me I’m exciting but to them it’s the same as someone explaining new Anti Virus products at PC World.

Ironically by going back to my old interests I’ve got some great opportunities for work, I’ll be a talking head on a video games show soon for example, so I guess that shows that maintaining a strong personal life is key to success.

I don’t know if there was a point to this post other than venting about something that’s been on my mind for a while. Hope you enjoyed it, I know I loved looking up the photos. I’ve just had an audition for hosting a TV show on Channel 4 and I’m currently writing my hour long show to be previewed at a Guinness world record attempt for longest standup show so maybe I’ll slip some kick ass material about elves and their representation in the classic Gauntlet games OR maybe just stick to knob gags.