Brand new video from me at Hot Water Comedy Club, some old jokes and a bunch of new stuff all beautifully filmed by them. Hot Water are doing a great job of promoting comics in the UK and they’re going from strength to strength. Go check out the rest of the videos on their YouTube channel –
It’s been a while, this seems to be how I always start these posts, It’s been a while and I’m sorry that it’s been so long. But as it’s Christmas, and like the crazy uncle who always smells of whiskey and stuffs fivers into your hands saying “don’t tell your mum”, I thought I’d show up again. What a year. What a goddam crazy year for me. At the end of this year I’m 35% less of the person I was at the beginning. I’ve lost 9 stone in total (how I did it is here), been signed to an agency, been a UK and International finalist in comedy awards I was nomiated for, gone viral a bunch and learned that Quorn is ground up mushroom. What a ride. I mean mushroom is pretty meaty on it’s own, why grind it up? Just eat mushrooms, fry them with butter or coconut oil, add garlic, delicious. I keep promising to update this blog more regularly but I’m never really sure what you want to read, there’s nearly 10,000 of you so it’s hard to please all of you. I’ve come to the conclusion that instead of being weird and picky about it I’m just going to post everything. Stories, pictures, videos, dates of stuff coming up, everything. Then you can decide. If at the end of next year there’s less of you than now maybe we’ll change it but really I’m sure there’s going to be more. I’ve been doing a joke advent calendar for the whole of December. Some of you will have seen these before in my other social media, some will have seen them when they went viral but I’m sticking all of them up here now so you’ve all definitely seen them straight from source. Enjoy
It’s been a while since I posted actual jokes on here, instead bombarding you with dieting and books like a librarian six weeks before their wedding day, and now I realise there’s nearly 10,000 of you I feel like I’m letting you down so here’s some stuff for you to enjoy as a thank you for following me and also because you laughing at my material fills a hole in my self esteem. Enjoy.
While twitter went mad with whether or not you should torture a baby to save a terrorist, I’ve spent most of today arguing with racists. It’s really opened my eyes to how ignorant you need to be these days to be a bigot.
It started with this joke (thanks to Ignacio Lopez for the pic):
A couple of facebook groups stuck it up and shared it with a few thousand people which is lovely. What isn’t lovely is loads of people saying Muslims are coming over here and raping everyone, I was like “Woah! Are they? I didn’t know?! They haven’t even asked me out let alone tried to force me to have sex with them, what’s wrong with me?” I was hurt. If anyone was going to be doing all this raping I should have at least felt threatened right? I had to check this out so I googled it. I typed in “Which ethnic group does the most raping in the UK?” and there it was first hit Government office of statistics and it turns out that the people doing the most raping in the UK was white British nationals at a staggering 86%. I was shocked, how could this person have been so sure of their numbers yet been so wrong even though it had taken me 0.0034 of a second to find the correct answers. I had to correct the guy because he was definitely going to feel embarrassed
So I go back to this guy, I cut and paste the statistics so he doesn’t even have to look at the site but I also link him there so he can know I’m for real and he comes back “they’re lying”. The office of national statistics AND multiple rape support charities are lying? Jeez ok so I do some more googling and find out that it’s the same from all areas AND 90% of all attacks are from people close to the victim meaning it’s not just people arriving from overseas suddenly coming over here and raping the first person they see.
Well he’s not happy about that, he goes crazy. He is not a happy bunny. It doesn’t make any sense though, he had a fact but it turns out that fact is wrong and I’ve found, with very little research, the truth. You’d think he’d be happy that he hadn’t said it out loud at a party and really embarrassed himself right? But no he couldn’t fathom that Muslim immigrants, by definition, weren’t rapists. Sure some are but so many more white British nationals were that it would be more accurate to say “White British men are rapists except for these ones over here”.
We live in a world where you can’t avoid information, it takes effort to be ignorant. Even if all you did was watch TV every day you’d still get a reasonably balanced point of view so in order to be a bigot you have to specifically IGNORE ALL INFORMATION. Why would anyone do that? Why would someone ignore correct information? The answer, as with everything, is fear.
We’re afraid of responsibility.
We can’t get a job because of immigrants, not because we haven’t spent time getting the qualifications or getting out there and trying to get a job or even starting our own company, No it’s immigrants stealing what’s rightfully ours. There’s crime in the streets, can’t be other people like me because then one day it could be me so it must be those other people who don’t look like me. There’s a long waiting list for me to have a routine operation, can’t be the government I voted for because that would mean they weren’t everything they promised to be AND I WOULD BE WRONG so it must be immigrants.
We live in a world where we don’t take responsibility if we don’t have to and when presented with facts contrary to our opinion instead of saying “oh wow I didn’t see it that way before” we get angry because it must be wrong, we couldn’t possibly be wrong it must be the facts. IF I’M WRONG ABOUT THIS WHAT ELSE AM I WRONG ABOUT OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME? There’s no God and the church covered up sexual abuse of minors? I REFUSE TO LISTEN!
It’s not just the right that’s like this, it’s the left as well. Here’s an article about how women empowering their sexuality is transphobic if that sentence made your head explode that’s because it’s ridiculous. Sure we’ve got a long way to go until LGBTQ rights are established and they’ve had a long hard slog of it but that doesn’t give anyone the right to take away someone else’s identity WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE SAYING IS HAPPENING TO THEM! They don’t want to take responsibility for their own feelings, it’s easier to say “I feel offended, it must be those people who are offending me” rather than “Everyone has a right to feel empowered about themselves”. God forbid we ever let people feel comfortable in their own skin when we’re still struggling with our own identities, am I right guys/girls/other!
People say we’re post truth, that we live in a time where everyone can believe whatever they want and fake news is just as valid as real news in the general populace’s eyes but I say that’s inaccurate. We don’t want to know that the reason we feel this way is due to our own insecurities, we don’t care that actually we’re projecting onto a group or individual just to make our own fragility justified.
We’re not post truth, we’re post responsibility.
I’ve seen a lot of these lists about online recently. “How to be a well dressed feminist”, “12 steps to becoming the perfect wife”, “10 tips on how to be a subversive racist comedian” and so on and so forth.
(And now I’m the perfect wife)
I thought I’d add my own list to this cacophony of linear instructions so here’s my top ten tips for just being a decent human being.
1. Don’t touch anyone unless they want you to – hey I get it you’re a hugger. The moment you see someone you want to make physical contact with them in any way you can, the more intimate the better, and then try to sustain that contact until one of you loses control of your bowels. We’ve all been there. Thing is it’s quite discomforting for someone to invade your personal space especially if they’re a stranger and you’re tired from a day at the orphanage, you’re not sure this is the right bus and they go straight for your genitals. It’s tough to process that at 3am in London. Don’t do it. Wait for an indication that they want you to touch them. Maybe hold out your hand and wait for a reciprocal handshake, maybe both arms and wait for the hug itself, maybe you keep your clothes on while you do it and everyone stays happy.
2. Where your genitals go is your business – man do you hate those gays! You can’t pinpoint the exact moment you realized it but boy do you just hate them so much. You hate everything about them, their flamboyant dress sense, their public displays of joyful sexuality, their parades and their sexy bums. You just hate them so much you can’t stop dreaming about them and their hot, tight bums. However you don’t know how much they hate you and they’ve never stopped you and your girlfriend in the street to ask which one of you is the woman. They’ve never beaten you for being a “breeder” and they’ve never disowned your son when you found him and his close friend watching Brokeback Mountain naked so perhaps you should think about your prejudices, take a long look at your behavior then compare it with that of the people you hate. Ever thought that maybe you’re the problem?
3. Taste the rainbow – people come in different colours, like skittles and tree frogs, and none of those colours are better than any of the others. We aren’t Pokemon. Surprisingly racism is still everywhere and people don’t even know they’re doing it. Here’s a test for you: think about what you’re doing and saying, if it’s stereotyping a specific race of people negatively it’s racism. I don’t care if you’re doing it about yourself it’s still racism. If you squint your eyes and say “egg flied lice” when asked what you want from the takeaway you’re a racist, if you do it in front of an audience you’re leading a rally.
(You can buy it on amazon)
4. Educate yourself – if you can’t understand what people are talking about around you and you’ve not left the country I know it’s hard not to fly into an uncontrollable ignorage. They’re talking down to you right? I mean what even is an “austerity measure”!? Is it a new type of ruler? Why did they change the normal maths set? I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO “PROTRACTOR” YET! And this is actually where most problems stem from. Ignorance. It’s not other people’s job to make sure you understand what they’re saying, they’re not your nanny and it isn’t nap time. Read the paper, watch the news, read books that aren’t about Captain Max Hardon and his adventures killing ragheads. Ignorance is a mental illness and education is the cure.
5. Everyone else is also your concern – it’s been a long week and you just want to get home so you can put the Duran Duran 12″ you found in Camden Market on your phonograph and trim your fashion beard while your soy roasts in the Eco oven, you don’t want to have to step in when a man starts pushing a woman around on the train. It’s not your problem right? Someone else can be the hero and really you’re not feeling very strong right now, you wouldn’t be much help would you? Wrong. Everyone needs to step up and be the hero. If everyone stepped up we wouldn’t have heroes because we wouldn’t have victims. By not helping you’re just as bad as the guy pushing that girl, you may as well wait for him to knock her unconscious so you can go and get a couple of kicks in yourself.
To be continued…….(in Part 2)
It’s come to my attention that there’s a lot of people talking about racism, some people seem to be all for it and some people seem to be completely against it. Personally I don’t have time for racism. It appears to take a lot of effort to maintain the kind of bitterness and hatred associated with racism, I for one can’t take time out from my busy work/family life schedule in order to build a stereotype then remember to inflict it on strangers.
(Magicians are so lazy! Coming over here stealing our rabbits! Am I doing it right?)
The one thing I’ve noticed is that racists are always homophobic, that’s not to say that gay people can’t be racist it’s just you don’t get too many militant xenophobic homosexuals telling people to go back to where they’ve come from because everyone should be like them.
I’ve put a lot of thought into it and from what I can tell there can be only one explanation. Racists think that nationality is a sexually transmitted disease and Gay is a place.
(Ruled by a just and fabulous Queen)
I know it already sounds crazy but picture this. A future racist, aged 6, stands in a park holding his father’s hand (no homo bro). He sees two grown men dressed incredibly well and holding hands, he turns to his father and says “Daddy why are those men holding hands?” and his Dad (who learned from his father before him) has no way to explain it other than “Those men are gay son, that’s what gay men do”. So now the tiny racist thinks that there’s a place where gay people come from because in his limited life he doesn’t have the capacity to comprehend sexuality but has been taught that Chinese people come from China.
As his understanding develops the little racist (sounds like a Christmas film starring Harry Connick Jr) now has a subconscious belief that gay people have their own country. He’s told by his highly conservative father that he needs to stay away from gay people lest he end up like them *GASP*, you can catch gay?! “But how do you catch it?” he ponders late at night staring up at the pictures of Bon Jovi on his wall “and if you can catch gay what else can you catch?” suddenly he realises why his Dad hates the man who runs the newsagents so much. You can catch any nationality. French people are only French because they keep fucking French people! A quickie with the Au Pair could lead to you losing your British passport! His Dad doesn’t have an irrational fear of people with a different skin colour, he’s worried he’ll accidentally catch Bengali after using a public toilet! He won’t understand the language anymore! He’ll be deported to India away from his friends and family! No wonder he’s so scared.
(HELP ME! I USED TO BE JAMAICAN!)
He shares his Dad’s concern, what if he marries a woman who’s half gay on her mother’s side? He’ll wake up with a better haircut and an interest in paisley stripes! He’ll never return to his family home in West Sussex, he’ll have to say goodbye to his childhood friend who won’t understand him anymore. Isolated and scared he’ll end his days in a foreign country with no knowledge of local customs. I get it now! They’re not racist and homophobic, they just want to protect their countrymen from the horrors their uncle Terry faced after he moved in with his best friend Gregory.
(At least he had company AND property prices are much lower in Gaystovia)
That is the only possible way these things can be connected. Stay safe people and remember nationality is a choice.