Well hasn’t 2016 been one massive panic attack. Everytime I get a “Breaking News” notification on my phone I panic that David Attenborough has died and we’re now living in a post Attenborough world. That’s a bit fucked up isn’t it? That I’m more worried that David Attenborough has died than nuclear war has been declared, I think I’m more prepared for Nuclear War like it’s been coming for so long now that I’ve watched so many doomsday prepper videos and bought so much bottled water that it could happen tomorrow and I’d just be glad I was using real skills for a change and making cupboard space.
But it has been. Ever since 2016 started the collective reaction has been one long horror movie jump scare waiting to happen, the most recent one being everyone waking up and Donald Trump’s face being an inch away from our own. Life is terrifying enough without knowing that at any moment you could be assaulted from your TV screen by Trump’s tiny mouth and hands.
However that’s not what this blog is about. I was pretty sick last week, you know that already, and I didn’t have much access to technology while I was being a human cream eclair. Looking at my phone meant stabbing pains behind my eyes and you know what I discovered? Happiness. I spend my life being one mean internet comment away from tearing all my clothes off and screaming at vegetables in a supermarket so imagine my surprise when, after turning myself inside out, I felt relaxed. I spent the rest of last week smiling and laughing, making jokes, writing loads and generally being a much more pleasant person to be around. This on the week Trump won.
Then gradually it’s crept back in. Every time my phone goes I get chest pains, reading the news makes me sweat, shortness of breath when I log into Facebook and I’m not the only one that gets this. People all over the world are on the knife’s edge of panic. This is the reason we voted for Trump and Brexit, this all pervading fear that gets into the corners of our lives like the smell when a cat shits in it’s litter tray while you’re eating breakfast and you know that’s all you’ll be tasting the whole day. That fear is what’s made people do crazy things most people didn’t think would happen because they want something to change and would do anything just to feel anything other than terrified. It’s hard not to reference Hitler when mentioning what’s going on in the world and you guys get it so Hitler, it’s all Hitler.
The important thing to remember that the one thing Hitler did do was kill Hitler and we’ve got a president elect who might be the first world leader to accidentally assassinate himself. The upside to Trump is that this will be an end to all state secrets, anything important happening will immediately be announced on Twitter then denied on live TV and confirmed again in secret filming during him judging a porn film award ceremony. Also he might be the first president to take back 100% of their campaign promises which at least makes him consistent.
I want you to understand that in order to feel better I bought myself a knitted jumper. That’s where I’m at right now.