It’s been a while

It’s been a while, this seems to be how I always start these posts, It’s been a while and I’m sorry that it’s been so long. But as it’s Christmas, and like the crazy uncle who always smells of whiskey and stuffs fivers into your hands saying “don’t tell your mum”, I thought I’d show up again. What a year. What a goddam crazy year for me. At the end of this year I’m 35% less of the person I was at the beginning. I’ve lost 9 stone in total (how I did it is here), been signed to an agency, been a UK and International finalist in comedy awards I was nomiated for, gone viral a bunch and learned that Quorn is ground up mushroom. What a ride. I mean mushroom is pretty meaty on it’s own, why grind it up? Just eat mushrooms, fry them with butter or coconut oil, add garlic, delicious. I keep promising to update this blog more regularly but I’m never really sure what you want to read, there’s nearly 10,000 of you so it’s hard to please all of you. I’ve come to the conclusion that instead of being weird and picky about it I’m just going to post everything. Stories, pictures, videos, dates of stuff coming up, everything. Then you can decide. If at the end of next year there’s less of you than now maybe we’ll change it but really I’m sure there’s going to be more. I’ve been doing a joke advent calendar for the whole of December. Some of you will have seen these before in my other social media, some will have seen them when they went viral but I’m sticking all of them up here now so you’ve all definitely seen them straight from source. Enjoy

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How to be a human being (part 1)

I’ve seen a lot of these lists about online recently. “How to be a well dressed feminist”, “12 steps to becoming the perfect wife”, “10 tips on how to be a subversive racist comedian” and so on and so forth.

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(And now I’m the perfect wife)

I thought I’d add my own list to this cacophony of linear instructions so here’s my top ten tips for just being a decent human being.

1. Don’t touch anyone unless they want you to – hey I get it you’re a hugger. The moment you see someone you want to make physical contact with them in any way you can, the more intimate the better, and then try to sustain that contact until one of you loses control of your bowels. We’ve all been there. Thing is it’s quite discomforting for someone to invade your personal space especially if they’re a stranger and you’re tired from a day at the orphanage, you’re not sure this is the right bus and they go straight for your genitals. It’s tough to process that at 3am in London. Don’t do it. Wait for an indication that they want you to touch them. Maybe hold out your hand and wait for a reciprocal handshake, maybe both arms and wait for the hug itself, maybe you keep your clothes on while you do it and everyone stays happy.

2. Where your genitals go is your business – man do you hate those gays! You can’t pinpoint the exact moment you realized it but boy do you just hate them so much. You hate everything about them, their flamboyant dress sense, their public displays of joyful sexuality, their parades and their sexy bums. You just hate them so much you can’t stop dreaming about them and their hot, tight bums. However you don’t know how much they hate you and they’ve never stopped you and your girlfriend in the street to ask which one of you is the woman. They’ve never beaten you for being a “breeder” and they’ve never disowned your son when you found him and his close friend watching Brokeback Mountain naked so perhaps you should think about your prejudices, take a long look at your behavior then compare it with that of the people you hate. Ever thought that maybe you’re the problem?

3. Taste the rainbow – people come in different colours, like skittles and tree frogs, and none of those colours are better than any of the others. We aren’t Pokemon. Surprisingly racism is still everywhere and people don’t even know they’re doing it. Here’s a test for you: think about what you’re doing and saying, if it’s stereotyping a specific race of people negatively it’s racism. I don’t care if you’re doing it about yourself it’s still racism. If you squint your eyes and say “egg flied lice” when asked what you want from the takeaway you’re a racist, if you do it in front of an audience you’re leading a rally.

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(You can buy it on amazon)

4. Educate yourself – if you can’t understand what people are talking about around you and you’ve not left the country I know it’s hard not to fly into an uncontrollable ignorage. They’re talking down to you right? I mean what even is an “austerity measure”!? Is it a new type of ruler? Why did they change the normal maths set?  I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO “PROTRACTOR” YET! And this is actually where most problems stem from. Ignorance. It’s not other people’s job to make sure you understand what they’re saying, they’re not your nanny and it isn’t nap time. Read the paper, watch the news, read books that aren’t about Captain Max Hardon and his adventures killing ragheads. Ignorance is a mental illness and education is the cure.

5. Everyone else is also your concern – it’s been a long week and you just want to get home so you can put the Duran Duran 12″ you found in Camden Market on your phonograph and trim your fashion beard while your soy roasts in the Eco oven, you don’t want to have to step in when a man starts pushing a woman around on the train. It’s not your problem right? Someone else can be the hero and really you’re not feeling very strong right now, you wouldn’t be much help would you? Wrong. Everyone needs to step up and be the hero. If everyone stepped up we wouldn’t have heroes because we wouldn’t have victims. By not helping you’re just as bad as the guy pushing that girl, you may as well wait for him to knock her unconscious so you can go and get a couple of kicks in yourself.

To be continued…….(in Part 2)