New video

Brand new video from me at Hot Water Comedy Club, some old jokes and a bunch of new stuff all beautifully filmed by them. Hot Water are doing a great job of promoting comics in the UK and they’re going from strength to strength. Go check out the rest of the videos on their YouTube channel –

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Joke roundup

It’s been a while since I posted actual jokes on here, instead bombarding you with dieting and books like a librarian six weeks before their wedding day, and now I realise there’s nearly 10,000 of you I feel like I’m letting you down so here’s some stuff for you to enjoy as a thank you for following me and also because you laughing at my material fills a hole in my self esteem. Enjoy.

Totally nailed that regular update thing

So yeah totally and completely failed in every way to keep updating this regularly. I have no excuse beyond getting married and moving house all in the same month plus having a job that requires me to drive the same amount of distance as a HGV driver without the regular pay cheque and roadside blowjobs.

However next week I get to do 3 gigs with a totally incredible comedian.

I met Simon King end of last year and we realised we’re on the same page with regards to the kind of comedy we like and what we want to do with it only Simon is about 10 times the comedian I am. Check out this video and try to tell me he’s not incredible, you won’t be able to unless you’re lying:

Simon King being amazing

Wednesday 9th November we’re at the Manchester Comedy Store doing our two man show Dark Times which has zero tinder jokes or bantz, tickets are £8 get them here Comedy Store tickets

Friday 11th November is my hometown in Lichfield show Comedy 42 which is us two plus a couple of other incredible comedians – Comedy 42 tickets

and finally Saturday 12th we’re doing Stand Up for the Left in Derbyshire which is a night all about smashing down our Tory masters – Smash the establishment

New year, New me, Nouveau

It’s been ages since I’ve written an actual blog post. I’m putting this down to an incredibly busy schedule combined with crushing laziness. You wouldn’t think the two would go together but as soon as I get in the door my body won’t move off the sofa unless a sugary snack is required or my catheter slips out.

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(You know where this goes)

So like many others I’m making a decision to try and be a bit more active with my blog, I mean there’s quite a lot of you reading this now so it just feels wrong to let you down.

I’ve also realised that with growing frequency I’ve posted slightly depressing updates, this is because I have the brain of a 15 year old Panic at the Disco fan and sometimes feel the need to dye my hair black while crying about an argument I had on an anime fan forum.

Thing is I have nothing to really whine about. I live in a country where a wifi connection is as prevalent as free water, maybe even more so. I don’t have to worry about missiles hitting my school because another country’s leader has mistaken the launch button for the one that orders coffee. I’m not struggling to cross an ocean with my children in my arms hoping that my wife is on one of the other boats that made it this far. I got presents for Christmas rather than another 10 years in prison for a crime I didn’t commit. I’m a pretty lucky dude when you look at it like that.

But really how long will I keep up any New Year’s resolutions I make? I have a distinct hatred of authority so as soon as I tell myself to do anything with any level of assertiveness I instantly rebel against it, leaving myself in a constant Ouroboral state of instruction and resentment.

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(Some days I’m the head, most days I’m the arse)

For example I have promised myself that I will lose a lot more weight this year, I’m getting married and want to look less like a reality makeover show’s “before” picture, so this morning I came downstairs and said loudly to myself “This is the day we start eating properly! NO MORE SWEETS!” then immediately tried to consume an entire Terry’s chocolate orange because who the hell do I think I am? I can’t tell me what to do! I’m not my real father!

So these are not my New Year’s resolutions these are my New year’s suggestions:

  1. Write something consistently, a regular upbeat blog for example
  2. Increase our household income just so we can go to a country that requires us to use passports to enter and me not have to perform at some point on the trip
  3. Fit into my smaller clothes. I lost weight then I ate a whole cake I want to vaguely eat better but only if I feel like it
  4. Be a bit more social. I have become a cave troll. I live in my house, I work in my house, I go out to do shows, I come back to my house. My social circle is my two children and my fiancee and while that is wonderful we’ve all started to talk the same. People meeting us for the first time are greeted like we’re emerging from a field of corn. We’ve started to think the same haircuts would be a great idea.
  5. Learn something. I have a guitar and a harmonica that have seen less physical contact than myself aged 13 clutching a Superman comic and screaming “NO TOUCHING!”

These are simple things and as I refuse to yield to my own influence I will leave these here for me to come across and think “hmmm that might be a good idea, I’ll have a go but if anyone tries to force me I’ll eat this entire packet of hobnobs! SO HELP ME GOD! NO TOUCHING!”

The show must go on….

I run a show at the lovely Lichfield Garrick theatre. The show is called Comedy 42 and we pride ourselves on it being one of the best shows in the country. We have a fantastic regular audience and sell out every show. We pay our acts well. We are proud of what we’ve accomplished and last night we became even prouder.

During the second act of the evening, the marvelous Ben Van Der Velde, there was an announcement that the theatre needed to be evacuated. Comedy 42 occupies the Studio which has 150 seats but in the main theatre Pam Ayres was hosting a sold out 40 year anniversary show so that was another 500 people. As soon as the voice came over the tanoy saying we needed to evacuate everyone filtered out into the street. 650 people all outside a theatre and there was us, 3 comedians. All we need to perform is a willing audience. So we did what any good comedians would do, we continued the show. Ben stood up on a bollard outside the car park behind the theatre and just started his set all over again:

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(Pictured: Heroics)

We were concerned that everyone was going to be worried about why we’d been evacuated and also that a lot of people were milling around in the road so Ben turned up his big boy voice and soon the crowd were laughing along with his anecdotes and forgetting about any potential peril.

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(Pictured: Hilarity)

While this was going on a fire engine showed up alerted by the ongoing alarm in the theatre. A quick check over from the firemen showed that it wasn’t anything too dramatic and after 10-15 minutes we were all allowed back into our respective rooms. The audience for Comedy 42 filtering into our Studio and Pam Ayres’ going into the main auditorium.

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Or did they? It turned out that some of Pam’s audience had seen Ben outside and come with us back into the Studio! Turns out Pam wasn’t bitter about it though, that’s how charming Ben is.

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Once we were all back in Ben carried his set on to the delight of every audience member!

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(Pictured: Audience delight)

Before Ben we’d already had the incredible Scott Bennett  who managed to avoid the whole fire alarm kerfuffle. But once Ben had finished his set (to raucous applause of course) we had the amazing Matt Richardson  do an extended set to make sure everyone went home happy.

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A good comedy show isn’t a venue, it’s not a single comedian, it’s not a host or a promoter. A good comedy show is the sum of it’s parts. It’s an audience wanting to be entertained, it’s a venue wanting the night to be a success, it’s a host who makes the show run smoothly and it’s acts who will do anything to make people laugh. My show isn’t just my show it’s every comedian’s show who performs on it, it’s every audience member’s who buys a ticket and it’s every member of the theatre who take tickets and promote the nights.

No matter what happens we’ll put on an amazing show, everyone will have a wonderful time and for a moment, no matter what happens, the world will be a brighter place.

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(Pictured: LEGENDS!)